Monday 29 November 2010

The inconvenience of your friends not being you...

More lessons of the universe and recent events in my life have compelled me to write this particular post and have taught me that while the ultimate lesson is always positive, the path to that lesson can more often than not be quite distressing.

So, a friend or partner does something that you take objection to and/or find offensive and you find yourself in a situation which requires your forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.

Now, how you approach this is entirely on you but I tend to take the stance of letting that person know the negative impact they have had, discuss the situation, get everything out on the table and coming to some form of resolution.

Now, if I've just met you and you turn out to be what I would deem to be a "total douche bag" - not talking to you ever again? Not gonna be an issue. However, if we're closer, someone I consider a friend or have an intimate relationship with, I'll always make an effort to come to some form of resolution. I may make allowances for certain aspects of someone's personality in an effort to accept that person in their entirety but that is something that is entirely on me. A choice that is completely mine and no one else's.

Flipping the coin, the other party may have a different tolerance for the things they are willing to accept and the boundaries they set in a relationship. Your choices in past situations are never guaranteed to be reflective of their choices in the same situation. While they may "wrong" you in a particular way and in turn you forgive them - given the same situation or even what you may feel is a less offensive situation, their reaction may well be far different.

It is very easy to place blame for the inconvenience of them not thinking with the same patterns as you but that is not something that you can hold against them for they are do nothing but being who they are.

Be sure of the reasons you use to forgive (or condemn) someone and remember that given the same situation that their reaction may well be different. This is not something that you should allow to influence your decisions either way, but be mindful that people can only be who they are - our choice to accept them for that, is indeed, our choice.

Until the next post -
Peace, Love and Happiness to you all.
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Thursday 11 November 2010

The need to retaliate

The "need" to retaliate can be so strong at times but I find it not always necessary and in many situations, counter-productive. This is not to say that you shouldn't stick up for yourself, you should definitely stick up for yourself and ensure that you set boundaries in any form of relationship with regards to the things you are (and are not) willing to accept. With that said, retaliation to someone's derogatory remarks can be best dealt with without the need to be derogatory in return.

A perfect example of this is an argument. I find this to be a mutual exchange of negative energy. Someone says something that you find hurtful and your initial reaction is to retort in kind - negative energy received, negative energy returned. A failure to do so generally leaves the other person feeling frustrated and angrier than they were in the first place. Their failure to release their negative energy onto you is like a mental hot potatoe that they're forced to hold. I feel this is because on some level, when we do respond in kind it's almost like saying "I accept your negative energy and because I have accepted it, I think it only fair that I fire some your way". This goes back and fourth and tends to escalate to sometimes crazy heights. Some feel better after a "good argument" because they have released all of their negative energy and can then reconvene on a more stable footing. But why? Why does it have to be that way? Not to say that one way is "wrong" and the other "right" but for me, I'd rather discuss the situation as I feel there is no need for argument. There are ways of getting your point across or airing your objections without the need to be derogatory and/or confrontational.

Why do we sometimes feel the need to drop in sarcastic or insulting comments on the basis of another's actions when the situation can generally be resolved by merely telling the other party your objections in a constructive way? Not to say this will always resolve the issue but at least the parties involved can come to a conclusion without the exchange of negative energy.

Retaliation is a choice, how you react is also a choice. Allowing your ego to make that decision for you can lead to nothing but more negative energy.

Once again, just my thought processes being resolved in a digital medium :)

Peace and Love.
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Thursday 4 November 2010

Perfection is a myth

I do remember a time where I felt (very briefly) that I had everything sorted. "Problems? Heck no! Issues? Don't be silly!"

Then one day, a very close friend tells me about this book. He tells me "read it, understand it, live it!". It was a book in reference to a certain psychological theory called "mr nice guy syndrome". Reading that book accounted for one of the most depressing weeks of my life. It was as if someone had followed me around with a pad n pen documenting my life and here was me thinking I was unique. Turns out that not only was I pretty much the same as thousands of people the world over - but I was a fruit cake also (I don't think that any more by the way).

So, that for me was when my journey began. With the help of some friends (and a family member) I was able to identify the things that I did not like about myself, why I didn't like them, where they came from and more importantly, how to change them. There were a few references made in different books I had read saying that I would encounter objections to the changes I would inevitably make and that these objections would come from the people closest to me. In an effort to combat this I told the people that I felt were closest to me what I would be doing and hoped for the best but alas, even quite recently (I started this journey around 5 years ago), my continual changes have prompted even my best friend to grow distant from me. On the flip side, most of the people in my life have been very cool about my changes but initially my mom (who I've always been very close to) had many objections to what I then referred to as "the new me".

Comments such as "since you've got on this self help stuff you seem to think you're better than everyone else" which was never the case at all. I remember mentally collecting all of this information and wanting to share it, helping others as much as I could, knowing how this new found information had helped me. Unfortunately, tact has never been one of my best attributes and with certain people (my mom included) I failed miserably.
Digressions aside, I always thought that with all of the self progression I was doing, that I would have an end result at some point. I soon realised (or at the very least strongly felt) that it simply wasn't possible.

Today I am a better version of who I was yesterday and tomorrow, I'll be a better version of who I am today. For me - that is perfectly fine. I truly believe that if I ever get to a place where I feel I have everything sorted it means nothing more than I have taken a wrong turn in this personal journey of mine. One of the worst feelings for me was when issues I thought I had resolved would rear their ugly heads once again, leaving me with a feeling of having taken a step back but as Malcolm X once said "stumbling is not the same as falling" (thank you Brother Malcolm!).

I don't mind having issues as I don't feel anyone is perfect but I do what I can to not fall into the same negative habits that did (and still do) nothing positive for me. It's scary at times because dealing with change (at least for me) is quite scary even if it is for the better.

The one thought that helps me through everything is this. Courage is not the absence of fear, but pushing through regardless of it's presence. It's OK to be scared as long as you don't let the fear control you - and even if it does (which occasionally it will) - remain persistent and things can only get easier.

As always, if there is anything in this that you could take anything positive from - it was worth the time it took to write it.

Peace and love
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