Fat blind dates and the Zulu army

Right - so was in Birmingham this weekend for my best mates birthday. Was a ton of fun! Anyways - as you may find the title of this particular entry a little weird here's the explanation...

We have a visitor, he's a friend of my best mate and is an absolute monster of a man! - a geezer by the name of "Big Ste". The dudes arms are like the size of my torso and he looks like he only leaves the gym for bits of fresh air or to eat the daily farm of cows he must be eating to maintain that size! The kinda geezer you'd prefer as a mate rather than an enemy lets put it that way. But after I get speaking to him - he's a sound geezer. Anyways - being as I'm a supporter of Birmingham City - and Ste is a member of the Zulu army - he gave me a signed book of "Zulus". Been bugging my mate to sort it for ages. Anyways - the note written in the front of the book reads:

"Tim,
ain't it funny how all birds sound fit on the phone.

All the best
Big Ste
Zulu Army"

So - now onto the reason for the seemingly cryptic note. About 18 months ago I was on a dating site and ended up meeting a chic who turned out to be not so truthful about her size. The picture of her on the web site was pretty alright although it was only a face shot (I should have figured it from that - but her profile said THIN! What was I to do?)

Anyways - we arrange to meet in town and as I'm walking through - I see this chic that kinda looks like her and has a nice bod to boot. I say hello and she proceeds to tells me to "Fuck off!" - I realise it's not her. I carry on walking and a few moments later I receive a phone call from the chic I'm meant to be meeting. She tells me "I think I've just walked passed you" so I turn around thinking to myself "it must have been the hot chic that just told me to do one"and proceed to ask where about she it. She tells me "behind the phone box" which is in my line of site by now so I put the phone down. Out she comes and my word!! There is a saying a friend of mine uses which popped into my head at that very moment. "Sounds fit on the phone, add 10 stone!" and my oh my was that equation accurate. "THIN MY ARSE" I thought...no kidding she must have been about 20 stone drip dry and everything inside me is saying "RUN!! RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN!! IT'S NOT LIKE SHE CAN CHASE YOU NOW IS IT???". Anyways - after a little more thought I decided that wouldn't be the right thing to do so I end up telling her the score without being mean about it and saw the funny side of it pretty much right away (this kinda shit happens to me ALL THE TIME!!).

But either way - I'm well chuffed with my book and I can finally finish it now (my mate's had the thing for damn near 18 months) - and with the success of the military type operation - was a good weekend all round!