Better late than never!

So a few years ago I have my first no-gi jiu jitsu tournament. I remember being so nervous! We have our rules meeting and I'm looking around at all the guys in my division. I spot this one dude who looked like he was wearing a Superman suit under his skin! 

Right away my inner monologue kicks in "Look at the fucking size of him!!". Then the guy who is telling us the rules, starts announcing the first match ups. "Don't be matched with THAT guy! PLEASE Don't be matched with THAT guy!" and of COURSE I was matched with who me and my buddy had given the moniker "Mini Brock Lesnar!"

So - we get on the mat and my heart is racing like a lab rat. I'm across the way from the dude and he decides to take his tee off! "Oh for fucks sake!! Look at the size of him!". Then I'm thinking "You know what...he's man...just like me dammit!! Fuck this shit...lets go Tim".

The buzzer sounds and after a few moments, he goes for a single leg take down. Before I know it I'm on my back with this BEAST on top of me and my last thought before the 5 minutes of defending myself from submissions was "Yeah...he's not like me. He's WAAAAAAAAAY stronger!".

Suffice to say, I lost that match and the 2 others that followed. They had beaten me fair and square but I had also helped them do it. I froze! I'd allowed my nerves to get the better of me and I was close to just throwing it all in and saying "Bollocks to this!".

Skip to my next competition and I get beaten again by pretty much all of my opponents (except one dude who hadn't been there for that long). "Yeah...forget this mate...it's a young mans game...it's not for you buddy!" - (My inner monologue mixed with my ego trying to save me from any further anguish).

I was just convinced that I sucked and was going to suck forever. Yeah...scratch this competition shit! I figured that if at the very least I kept attending sessions...while I wouldn't get good...it was at least a good workout. So I'd do a few sessions here and there...miss a bunch of sessions...do a bunch of sessions and half ass it for the most part. Then one day my instructor Martyn writes a Facebook post that resonated with me in a massive way (I'm paraphrasing it a bit to make it sound a touch more gangster)

"Don't bitch about the results you didn't get, with the work you didn't put in!"

Now, I try to be honest with myself - it helps progression in all forms of life and I had to admit...I was being a lazy, self sabotaging bum! So I decided that I was going to do this competition thing again. I wasn't worried about the winning or the losing because this is not what all this was about. This was about getting past the nerves. This was about finally conquering something that had been with me far longer than at the time, I had realised...

When I was a young kid - I was FAST! I could run like the dickens and I was easily 1 of the top 2 fastest kids in my year. I'm around 7 years old and it's my first year in primary school. My sister goes to the same school and she's 3 years ahead of me (she was fast too). So - every year there's a sports day where all the fastest kids from all the schools in the region get together and basically see which kids are the fastest. In the great scheme of things, it's quite insignificant but for me at the time - it was the Olympics! I had the speed and qualifying should have been a mere formality - all I had to do was run and I'd get to the regional match ups. So the race begins and to my left and to my right are the kids in my year that I've blitzed so many times before. 

Silence...

this is it, come 3rd or higher and I'm in!

BOOM! And we're off! My legs were jelly, my heart was racing and my sister was on the sidelines screaming "COMON' TIMOTHY!!" (The only person alive allowed to call me that). The race ends...and I come 5th. 5th!!! So...I didn't make the regionals. I was distraught and far too young to realise that I'd allowed my nerves to get the better of me. My opponents didn't beat me - I beat me! After that...running wasn't so fun any more and it pretty much tailed off after that.

So when I finally realised that how I felt all those years ago, was how I felt when I stepped on the mat for that first match more than 20 years later - I HAD to do something about it! 

"No more being slack, no more self sabotage...you're going to put yourself through the fire until you can get this done!"

I remember the match where I finally achieved what I had wanted to. My dad was there with one of my closest friends and my 2 little brothers. The match was with a guy called James Orton. He beat me fair and square and I was perfectly fine with that because it was actually him beating me. He had more skill, better technique and I came off the mat smiling from ear to ear!

I've never wanted to be the best...I don't really care about things like that. The entire reason for my doing jiu jitsu in the first place was for my personal development and if that wasn't a step in the right direction - I don't know what was.

If you don't give up...eventually you have to make some form of progress. If I had decided to throw it all in, I would not be the person I am today!

Until the next post

Peace and Love beautiful people! :)

DAMMIT MAN! WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY!?

So I don't get asked in that particular way but I am noticing more often that people are asking me why I'm always so happy. First things first...I'm not always happy. I have crappy days like everyone else with the difference being, my crappy days aren't all that crappy.

A few years ago I made a concious effort to eject everyone from my life that didn't add something positive to it. Constant and unnecessary conflicts with certain people in my life at the time distracted me from concentrating on being a better human.

"Yeah, but they're your friends!"

And to that I say, FUCK THAT SHIT! If you're always in constant conflict, they're constantly being douchey (or even worse - you are) then something needs to change. So...over the past few years I've ensured that the people who are in my circle are positive people. We have great conversations, there's RARELY any conflict (if any) and most of my friends, like me, are just trying to be better than they were yesterday. It's unfortunate, but not everyone thinks this way. They bitch and moan about things they can easily change but do not wish to and I don't think it's for me to tell them that they should be different. And knowing how I was back in my more negative days...the change had to come from within - no external source could have changed my view on the world without my wanting to see the world differently in the first place. My home girl Kya said it best.

"No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or emotional appeal."

I don't have this life of mine figured out. There's still so much room for improvement and so many things that I look at in my life that I liken to that cupboard in your house that you need to spend a decent amount of time sorting out, but every time you open the door and take a look..."Yeah...I'll do it another time".

However you choose to lead your life is entirely your call. Me? I have chosen to maintain a sense of positivity in all situations and this has connected me with like minded people. When I was negative...the same was also very true. The people in my life were negative - just like me.

Everything is a choice - and in the words of my good friend Liam (The Part-time Grappler) "It's up to you to find the positivity" and there's is always positivity to be taken from almost every situation. The universe presents you with the same lessons over and over until you learn from that lesson. When you do, it presents you with another lesson.

I choose to take the positivity from all situations presented to me.
I choose to be a happy and positive person.
I choose to add positivity to the lives of the people around me as they do me.
I choose to work toward making myself a better and more evolved human each day.

So...the question should not be "Why is Tim always so happy?" but rather
"Why do I care if someone is always happy?"
"Why am I not always happy?"

Food for thought.

Until the next post...

Peace and Love :)

A different world for everyone

One of the things that seems to have been an occurring theme of late is the fact that everyone see's things differently. I know what you're thinking "Excellent way to state the obvious" - but is it that obvious?

Most of us have (and in most cases need) "truths" in our life to help guide us. Anything that opposes that truth is generally seen as a falsehood, bad, negative and ultimately incorrect or wrong. But why does it have to be incorrect? Why can it not just be, another way?

For some, God Exists, Christianity is the answer, The bible makes perfect sense and when you die - you'll go to either Heaven or Hell. For others, there is no God, Christianity and all other religions are stupid, the bible makes no sense and when you die - that's it.

Who out of the aforementioned pair is correct is not the concern here. What is the concern is how those people choose to interact with others based on the things they believe to be true. For example, overhearing a friends phone conversation recently, it appeared that they had said something to someone in what they felt was a jovial manner but was taken offensively by the other party. The initial reaction seemed to be (and I've seen this with a lot of people as well as doing it myself) "I was only joking...don't take things so seriously!". The "truths" for both people were different. One believed that making jokes in certain situations was perfectly acceptable while the other thought it was not. Neither were correct, neither were incorrect - however both saw the other as being incorrect in their thought process without attempting to see each others point of view.

Sometimes there needs to be an understanding that your world and the things in it that you know to be true are not that way for everyone. What one person finds funny, another will find offensive and vice versa.

Figuring out a path that works for you is merely that - a path that works for you. This does not negate the fact that this could very well work for someone else but also doesn't mean that you have things "figured out". You've just figured out something that works for you. Someone following a different path is not on an incorrect or correct path, just a path that they are on based on the things in life they have figured out - for them.

As much as your life rocks and the things you do fill you with positive energy, There's someone out there that given the same routine - would see the entire situation as noting but suck!

Until the next post
Peace and Love

I'm cool, but my ego is a bit of a psycho

Sorry I haven't posted in a while...I really should make time to post more but I have certainly been a busy boy!

So, this post is about ego. I had a no-gi jiu jitsu competition this weekend (my first but certainly not my last) and to cut a long story short...I had 3 matches and lost all 3 (even writing it gives me a bit of a shudder).

Now admittedly, I was initially gutted! 3 matches and I couldn't even win 1 - REALLY!?!? But then very quickly...I asked myself why I had gotten into this in the first place. The main reason for my training in martial arts was to realise my potential. To see what my limits were and then surpass them and so far...I've done just that. There's a lot that I have overcome and acquired psychologically through martial arts. Increased confidence, the ability to push through fear and keeping my ego in check among other things.

When I decided to do the competition the first thing I told myself is that I am not doing this to be better than anyone else. The emphasis was placed on being better than Tim who trained a month ago and to just keep getting better until I am the best that I can be. However as the competition drew closer I noticed my Ego jumping in "We can win this dude...we can take em all down!!" which defeats the purpose of what I originally entered for. That followed by "Oh crap...I lost all 3 matches - I'm a total failure" helped nothing!

Within a very short period I became fascinated by my feelings as opposed to consumed by them. Mentally I know that "failure" is how we learn and that it actually isn't failure at all but feedback. The only thing that has happened is that certain area's of my jiu jitsu have been highlighted as needing more work and after I take this week off to heal (my wrist is not in the best state) - I'll be back on the grind next week as usual.

I'm still amazed at that small voice in the back of my head though. "Dude, we don't REALLY need to do this do we? Let's just leave it alone hey? We've had our fun...we can stop now - no harm done!". (My ego in an attempt to protect itself I think)

But my overall point is this.

In life - not everything goes how you expect it to and we need the negativity in life to allow us to appreciate the positivity (you can't have one without the other). Not all of us are lucky enough to get things down the first time round and most people make mistakes along the path of learning anything. Giving up is not the way to achieve your dreams. Quitting because things didn't turn out the way you thought they would doesn't allow you to achieve your end goal (whatever that may be). The only way to get where you want to be is to keep pushing forward. Got knocked down? Get up, brush yourself off and keep going. Learn from the feedback of the things that didn't work and keep trying different things until you find something that works!

The only person that can stand in the way of doing the things that you want to do is you and it is important to not allow your ego to impact you negatively through any of your endeavours.

I'll be back at the next no-gi meet and hell...I may loose every match again - and if I do...I'll be back at the gym - the following week - working on my Jiu Jitsu - getting better, being better than I was the week before but not quite as good as I would be the following week.

The only person I need to compete with is me of yesterday and as long as I'm improving...I am going toward achieving my goal every day. Being the best that I can be.

Until the next post
Peace and Love :)

The crossroads of life

We all have them. Those decisions in life that are presented to us that we just know, are going to change our lives. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. I've had a fair share of my own lately with a few things from smoking to relationships.

Do I turn left or do I turn right? Shall I go for it or just leave it? The answers are not always easy to come to terms with but I think we always know the correct path for us. Making a decision to that effect is not always the case though - how many times have you done one thing knowing good and god damn well you should have done another?

Now in some instances, I think we create many of these crossroads ourselves and then talk ourselves out of doing the right thing for us because we're not ready or just plain too weak to do it. And the issue with the weakness side of things is that we have it in us to do the right thing but we lie to ourselves, blame others or some other pathetic excuse and we stay on the path of least resistance because we can be such a woefully retarded species at times (and it's easier).

The point is this. Sometimes we make a decision about something and we know it's the wrong decision for us and carry on with it anyway. On occasion we're lucky enough to change our minds at the right moment and get back on a correct path. Other times, we go past the celestial point of no return and we're f**ked!

Me? I'm making a distinct effort to start doing the right things for me and making the right decisions when I'm at these crossroads. It's not always easy but thanks to the words of Mr Joey Diaz aka Joey "Coco" Diaz aka Mad Flavor aka Planet Rock - I've been inspired to take a better path with a firey determination that I've never felt before.

The only person that can get in your way is you. You can blame anyone you like but if your life is in a shit place - you and only you can make it better - and that my friends is what I call a bitch slap of truth!

Peace and love to you all
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

After a while, it's not them - it's you!

So - a few posts back I referred to a friend that would tell people personal things that I had told them in confidence for a laugh, say offensive things that I'd repeatedly ask them not to because they found it funny and seemingly try to embarrass me on numerous occasions.

This actually went on for years until a particular incident gave me the time and space to look at this relationship properly.

Now I should say that while I am evolving day to day, my evolution is far from complete and not at a stage where I'm able to rationalise these incidents in a timely manner (timely enough for my liking). So, when given the opportunity to look at this relationship properly, I had realised how things were for so long and automatically opted to play the blame game in so much as to make attempts to rationalise why this person would not listen. I'd repeatedly asked this person to stop doing these things and still they continued to do them. Why?!?!

Eventually I came to the following conclusion. It was all down to me. I'm not saying that I encouraged the behaviour in any way but I realise that I was probably more at fault than they were in a sense. Who am I to tell someone "stop being who you are to suit me!!"? No one has that right, least of all me, yet I find we do it in all forms of relationships.

We all have an ideal for the types of people that we would like in our lives and the universe will put a varied spectrum of people in your path over time and some of those people will become our friends. They tick enough of the criteria to make it into our circle and on occasion we opt to "trim the fat". Stop doing this, don't do that, be more like this, act more like that!

The point is, it's all our own choice. It's our choice to become friends with someone and if that person does things that you don't agree with, it's our choice to either accept them for who they are and the things they do or not.

The same way no one has any place to tell me who or how I should be, I have no place telling anyone who or how they should be. It is not for us to change the things we don't like about people but to make a decision based on the simplest of questions.

Are we willing to accept this person as they are?

I think full and unequivocal acceptance is the only way to do it. The alternative leaves the possibility of finding yourself in a place where all of the good things that a person has done are heavily overshadowed by our focus on the things about this person that make us unhappy. I feel this does not honour the good times shared and the relationship because our focus and final memories are of why everything went so horribly wrong.

Surely there must be a way to part ways without everything being such a conflict? To be able to say "OK, so things didn't work out - but that's cool".

Maybe it just gets more difficult the more time we allow to pass? Maybe our failure to nip it all in the bud in a timely fashion causes us to become more emotionally involved so that when things do go wrong, we're left with a feeling of emptiness representing the other party. That leaves us with our first (and unnecessary) port of call for rationalisation - "where should the blame be placed?" as opposed to saying "this just wasn't meant to be".

Until the next post...
Peace and Love
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Adversity is your friend

While the title of today's blog post can be classed as an oxymoron, thinking about it with the correct frame of mind makes perfect sense.

I've had (and am going through) some negative periods in my life and while in those situations I'm always eager for them to end as quickly as possible. Sleepless nights with my mind focused on constant negativity and repeatedly going over incidents that have led to this moment in an attempt to make sense of things.

For me, it's a case of constantly playing "mental catch-up". I say this because while my conscious self understands the reasoning behind everything that has happened and understands the motives behind the actions of the people around me - the fact still remains that another part of me (my unconscious maybe?) has a hard time agreeing with it all. That bit always takes more work and creating a relationship between the two, while a struggle, is getting easier.

The point is that it is easier than it was before. The time in which it takes for that other part of me to catch up and agree with what my "intellectual self" knows to be true becomes shorter with each bout of adversity. Each time I go through something that causes me to dig deep mentally, I'm able to do it with a bit more ease. The familiarity of overcoming adversity is like fight training for the mind. It helps to give a greater appreciation for the positivity that life has to offer and understand that each encounter with adversity, acts like a little bit of snake venom. Eventually you can see things for how/what they are, accept them and move on in a positive direction, taking away from it what we need and having a better understanding of ourselves as well as a greater ability to resolves issues in the future.

Peace and Love
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Some light humour

‎​A lady takes her lover to her house during the day, while her husband is at work and Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet to skip school.
Unexpectedly her husband returns home, so she asks the man to hide in the same closet.
The boy now has company!
Boy: "dark in here"
Man: " yes it is"
Boy: " I have a baseball"
Man: " that's nice"
Boy:" wana buy it?"
Man:"no, thanks"
Boy:" my dad is outside"
Man: " ok how much"
Boy: "250"
In the next few weeks it happens agAin and they meet in the same closet.
Boy: "dark in here"
Man: " yes it is"
Boy: " I have a baseball glove"
Man: " how much"
Boy:"750"
Man; "fine"
Few days later the father says to the boy, " grab your gloves and ball and let's go to the park
The boy says"I sold them"
Father:"how much"
Boy:"1000"
Father:" it's terrible to over charge ur friends. We are going to church and u have to confess!"
So they go to the church and father alerts the priest, makes the boy sit in the confession room and closes the door
Boy :"Dark in here"
Priest: "don't start this shit again"
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Just because that's the way things are, does not mean that's the way things are supposed to be.

This is something I see on an almost daily basis in every facet of life. So often we see things that are, yet should not be. Because they have "been" for such a long time, we fail to ask if that's how they should truly be.

For example. I worked for a company where if you had made a mistake you would hear furious typing between the directors as they discussed your failure over messenger shortly followed by slamming of doors and general negative vibes aimed in your direction. Things were unfortunately taken very personally and it was not behaviour I would have expected from any company or professionals in a management role. I no longer work for this company as I was sure that this was not how things were meant to be.

Another example. I would confide in a friend who at a time (but unfortunately no longer) I would have considered as family. Dependent on if it bought amusement to them or if the mood took them, they would tell others of these private things that I had shared in confidence. For some very weird reason they'd find this hilarious - I'd get angry (obviously), they'd apologise and then before long - do the same thing again. This was a regular occurrence as well as other things of the same nature and while no other friend would do this, I considered it the norm and accepted it because this had become the dynamic of our relationship over a number of years. At the same time, this was not behaviour I would have tolerated from other friends as the dynamics in those relationships were different (and I was fortunate enough to be able to confide in those friends without worry).

Eventually an incident ensued that gave me the chance to analyse the relationship properly and I had come to realise that this was certainly not the way things were meant to be. I didn't (and still don't) blame the person for the things that they had done as they were merely being themselves. I strongly believe that it is not for us to point out what we feel are errors in the personality of others, but to decide if we are willing to accept them for who they are.

My choice had been to constantly point out the error of this past friends ways as opposed to just making a choice of either accepting them for who they are and I accepted this negative cycle as it had turned into something that just "was", failing to realise that for me at least, this was not how things were meant to be.

Sometimes the universe gives you a very clear window to look through which allows you to see things clearly and for what they are. When that opportunity comes along - it is better to take note and ask yourself...is this the way things are supposed to be?

As always, take from this what you will - just processing my thoughts :)

Peace and love to you all.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Creating Reality

A very good friend of mine who was mentioned a few posts back once said to me "You can create your own reality". Not realising what he meant, my first question was "What?!? So if I wanna fly I can then?" as I didn't understand what he meant. What eluded me then (but not now) is this. Each persons reality is different and the energy and beliefs that we have, contribute to the life that we lead. If you're always thinking with a negative frame of mind, invariably, negative things will happen. However, the opposite is also true.

A friend of mine stayed with me maybe a year back and had an awesome weekend (and of course they did - anytime spent with me always rocks!!! ;). She proceeds to tell me that because she's had such a great weekend - she's convinced that something negative will follow as that was the way her life works. Surely enough, within a week - something negative had happened. Now while I understand that this negative thing may well have been out of her control - I couldn't help but think that because she was looking out for it, it fulfilled her belief that following any positive situation is always a negative one. Had her mindset have been "Anything that happens externally is beyond my control" and focused on her reaction to a situation (which is under her control), maybe she would have seen it as just one of the many lessons of life.

We've all been there - a bad thing happens, followed by another, followed by another. Some smaller things happen which are also negative and before you know it - it's like you've been overloaded with crap! We tend to bundle smaller insignificant things in there too - adding to the list and "POW!" - we have a giant list of shit that needs sorting.

The way in which we view any situation is essentially - a choice. The actions of others can not be controlled by us but our actions and reactions are under our complete control and sometimes we tend to forget that.

Your life, views and reactions create a reality that is uniquely your own and we can change all 3 to create a better reality for ourselves.

Peace, Love and a Very Happy New Year to you all.

Always on the money...

The inconvenience of your friends not being you...

More lessons of the universe and recent events in my life have compelled me to write this particular post and have taught me that while the ultimate lesson is always positive, the path to that lesson can more often than not be quite distressing.

So, a friend or partner does something that you take objection to and/or find offensive and you find yourself in a situation which requires your forgiveness, understanding and acceptance.

Now, how you approach this is entirely on you but I tend to take the stance of letting that person know the negative impact they have had, discuss the situation, get everything out on the table and coming to some form of resolution.

Now, if I've just met you and you turn out to be what I would deem to be a "total douche bag" - not talking to you ever again? Not gonna be an issue. However, if we're closer, someone I consider a friend or have an intimate relationship with, I'll always make an effort to come to some form of resolution. I may make allowances for certain aspects of someone's personality in an effort to accept that person in their entirety but that is something that is entirely on me. A choice that is completely mine and no one else's.

Flipping the coin, the other party may have a different tolerance for the things they are willing to accept and the boundaries they set in a relationship. Your choices in past situations are never guaranteed to be reflective of their choices in the same situation. While they may "wrong" you in a particular way and in turn you forgive them - given the same situation or even what you may feel is a less offensive situation, their reaction may well be far different.

It is very easy to place blame for the inconvenience of them not thinking with the same patterns as you but that is not something that you can hold against them for they are do nothing but being who they are.

Be sure of the reasons you use to forgive (or condemn) someone and remember that given the same situation that their reaction may well be different. This is not something that you should allow to influence your decisions either way, but be mindful that people can only be who they are - our choice to accept them for that, is indeed, our choice.

Until the next post -
Peace, Love and Happiness to you all.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

The need to retaliate

The "need" to retaliate can be so strong at times but I find it not always necessary and in many situations, counter-productive. This is not to say that you shouldn't stick up for yourself, you should definitely stick up for yourself and ensure that you set boundaries in any form of relationship with regards to the things you are (and are not) willing to accept. With that said, retaliation to someone's derogatory remarks can be best dealt with without the need to be derogatory in return.

A perfect example of this is an argument. I find this to be a mutual exchange of negative energy. Someone says something that you find hurtful and your initial reaction is to retort in kind - negative energy received, negative energy returned. A failure to do so generally leaves the other person feeling frustrated and angrier than they were in the first place. Their failure to release their negative energy onto you is like a mental hot potatoe that they're forced to hold. I feel this is because on some level, when we do respond in kind it's almost like saying "I accept your negative energy and because I have accepted it, I think it only fair that I fire some your way". This goes back and fourth and tends to escalate to sometimes crazy heights. Some feel better after a "good argument" because they have released all of their negative energy and can then reconvene on a more stable footing. But why? Why does it have to be that way? Not to say that one way is "wrong" and the other "right" but for me, I'd rather discuss the situation as I feel there is no need for argument. There are ways of getting your point across or airing your objections without the need to be derogatory and/or confrontational.

Why do we sometimes feel the need to drop in sarcastic or insulting comments on the basis of another's actions when the situation can generally be resolved by merely telling the other party your objections in a constructive way? Not to say this will always resolve the issue but at least the parties involved can come to a conclusion without the exchange of negative energy.

Retaliation is a choice, how you react is also a choice. Allowing your ego to make that decision for you can lead to nothing but more negative energy.

Once again, just my thought processes being resolved in a digital medium :)

Peace and Love.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Perfection is a myth

I do remember a time where I felt (very briefly) that I had everything sorted. "Problems? Heck no! Issues? Don't be silly!"

Then one day, a very close friend tells me about this book. He tells me "read it, understand it, live it!". It was a book in reference to a certain psychological theory called "mr nice guy syndrome". Reading that book accounted for one of the most depressing weeks of my life. It was as if someone had followed me around with a pad n pen documenting my life and here was me thinking I was unique. Turns out that not only was I pretty much the same as thousands of people the world over - but I was a fruit cake also (I don't think that any more by the way).

So, that for me was when my journey began. With the help of some friends (and a family member) I was able to identify the things that I did not like about myself, why I didn't like them, where they came from and more importantly, how to change them. There were a few references made in different books I had read saying that I would encounter objections to the changes I would inevitably make and that these objections would come from the people closest to me. In an effort to combat this I told the people that I felt were closest to me what I would be doing and hoped for the best but alas, even quite recently (I started this journey around 5 years ago), my continual changes have prompted even my best friend to grow distant from me. On the flip side, most of the people in my life have been very cool about my changes but initially my mom (who I've always been very close to) had many objections to what I then referred to as "the new me".

Comments such as "since you've got on this self help stuff you seem to think you're better than everyone else" which was never the case at all. I remember mentally collecting all of this information and wanting to share it, helping others as much as I could, knowing how this new found information had helped me. Unfortunately, tact has never been one of my best attributes and with certain people (my mom included) I failed miserably.
Digressions aside, I always thought that with all of the self progression I was doing, that I would have an end result at some point. I soon realised (or at the very least strongly felt) that it simply wasn't possible.

Today I am a better version of who I was yesterday and tomorrow, I'll be a better version of who I am today. For me - that is perfectly fine. I truly believe that if I ever get to a place where I feel I have everything sorted it means nothing more than I have taken a wrong turn in this personal journey of mine. One of the worst feelings for me was when issues I thought I had resolved would rear their ugly heads once again, leaving me with a feeling of having taken a step back but as Malcolm X once said "stumbling is not the same as falling" (thank you Brother Malcolm!).

I don't mind having issues as I don't feel anyone is perfect but I do what I can to not fall into the same negative habits that did (and still do) nothing positive for me. It's scary at times because dealing with change (at least for me) is quite scary even if it is for the better.

The one thought that helps me through everything is this. Courage is not the absence of fear, but pushing through regardless of it's presence. It's OK to be scared as long as you don't let the fear control you - and even if it does (which occasionally it will) - remain persistent and things can only get easier.

As always, if there is anything in this that you could take anything positive from - it was worth the time it took to write it.

Peace and love
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

And it's all for your own good

I'm pretty sure that it was Einstein who said (and I'm about to paraphrase) "it makes no sense to do the same thing over and over while expecting different results" and it's so true.

Life is challenging in that we're presented with the same "lessons" over and over until we learn that lesson. When we do, we're presented with a different lesson. One of the most important lessons for me is the realisation that we have absolutely no control over anyone but ourselves. It happens time and time again, we see a friend doing something that we know or feel will effect them negatively and (dependent on your personality) we tend to get angered at the fact that after seeking our advice, they go ahead and do it anyway. Our inability to correctly guide them leaves us feeling powerless.

That's just 1 example of the many lessons of life that we're presented with but there are so much more waiting for us.

For the longest time I saw these trials and tribulations of life as something that I hoped would eventually not be an issue but eventually realised that there is no escape. I also realised that they're not necessarily "trials and tribulations" but lessons that are presented to us by the universe. Regardless of the situation, some form of positivity can be taken from it if you look at it in the correct way.

It is very easy to play the victim and ask the heavens "why does this keep on happening to me!" However, failing to look internally and focusing on the external ensures that repetitive negativity will continue. For the most part, while we are able to influence the external, there is generally no way to guarantee its permanent change in state. This then leaves us with the internal. Namely, how we react to a situation and the choices we make as a result of a situation.

Looking at ourselves subjectively can be difficult but can also help in identifying the reasons for our reactions to situations. Something that has no effect on one, may have a deep emotional effect on another and there is usually a reason for that. Learning these reasons helps us to change our reactions or at the very least understand them and from there we can at least take solace in the fact that our new found knowledge leaves us feeling a little less lost in this great world and brings us a step further in our personal evolution.

As always, peace and love.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

The Games We Play

So, I know I've been getting quite deep on my posts of late and the primary reason for this is because I'm happy. It has been a long while where I've been in a place that allows me to concentrate on what is most important to me, that being my personal growth and mental well being. For me, having other areas of my life "in order" allows me to concentrate on the many questions I have about life and this blog is a way of finalising those thought processes. I make no claims to be "right" about any of the things I say, I'm merely posting my thoughts about experiences and views that I have that feel right to me. If someone reads any of what I write and can take anything positive from it - awesome!

So with that out of the way, today's post is about the games we play.

I've actually got a book by roughly the same name and while I've not read the entire thing in great detail, what I have read makes sense. Coupled with the fact that I've had experiences quite recently of such an occurrence makes it the perfect subject of a blog post.

So, let's say you see someone that you've maybe spoken to once or twice. Every time you see that person, you give them a nod and they do the same. So, one day, you see the person and you give them the usual nod but on this occasion they fail to return it. First thing that would usually come to my mind is "well fuck you too!". Why? Because me and the other person have entered into a covert contract. Without even speaking to each other about it formally, we have agreed that every time we see each other, we will exchange nods. Their or my failure to fulfill the requirements of this unspoken agreement leaves the other party feeling a bit pissed. Not in a "the next time I see this mother fucker I'm gonna cave his skull in!" kinda way - but enough that your fulfillment of the contract in the future is entirely optional where you are concerned. It's a small thing but I know so many people that do it. Why? I haven't quite figured that bit out yet. What I can say is this. We don't know the circumstances surrounding the failure of the other person fulfilling their part of the contract. Maybe they we're having a bad day or maybe they didn't see you - something that I had never thought about until this very instant but something worth considering.

Also, I can't help but notice how we get ourselves into these patterns with others and for the most part either don't realise or even question these patterns.

OK, let us visit another end of the spectrum. You meet some chic (or dude, dependent on your gender and preference) and you exchange numbers. "Yeah, I'll call you". My question is this...why is it that most of us (including me) feel the need to leave a certain amount of time before we "make the call" because we don't want to appear too keen? I know I've done it and I know many of my friends have done it too. So, my question here is - what is the big problem with being keen? Why can't you make the call on the same day? You want to - but you decide against it so that you appear to be playing it cool. And of course, if you do make the call too early, the other person may well think "oooh, they're a bit keen!" (Which I have actually witnessed in total shock!)

Since when did we decide that a certain amount of time must go by before we "make the call" ? You like them, they like you - where is the issue? I know that in some circumstances, people can come off as being a bit (or a lot) needy - but my example is not directed at those situations.

Another example. So I'll be on the phone to...whoever. We'll be having a conversation and I may say something that is found offensive to the other party. Instead of saying "I found what you have said offensive" or "I don't agree with what you have said" the tone of the conversation will change completely. If I ask what is wrong I'm greeted with an abrupt "nothing!".

Why?

Why is it that we can't just say exactly what is on our minds? There are ways of being constructive with it but why not get it out into the open as opposed to stating that there is nothing wrong when there obviously is? Another nuance to this particular pattern that I have noticed are sarcastic comments surrounding the offensive remark.

So while some patterns are quite common, other patterns that we develop may be quite obscure. Some of these patterns can have negative effects while others positive. Our ability to identify these patterns allows us to correctly analyse and therefore deduce if their function serves as a positive or a negative. How we acquire this ability I am unsure as this is something that I've only recently started to notice myself, however, like anything in life, with time and patience I'm sure it's a skill that can be developed and something that will contribute to making us a better version of us.

Until the next post...
Peace and Love.
Sent using BlackBerry® from Orange

Look at you

So, you walk past a MacDonalds and you see a chic with 3 big macs, 2 large fries, nuggets, an apple pie and wait for it...a diet coke. I know I've had that exact situation happen to me and I couldn't help but comment on why she'd have a diet coke.

The point I'm getting at here is, what has that got to do with me? not to say that we can't have opinions but certainly if they're unnecessarily derogatory (as was the case for me in the instance above), then what purpose does it serve me to point out my opinion to myself, a friend or even to the person themselves?

Maybe we do it as a way of making us feel better about ourselves? That makes sense to me (in terms of a reason NOT in terms of justifying the action). But if you look carefully, this is something that is embedded in our culture (certainly in the UK where I live and from what I have seen, the US also). Weekly magazines, daily newspapers, MTV programs etc. Almost every medium becomes intertwined with this focus of negativity or irrelevance relating to other people.

The Minogues and the Osbournes in a feud, Kerry Katona losing more weight, Emma Watson having to leave a building in the middle of the night because of a fire scare. All of this read in the local newspapers or "chic mags" in the past 14 days and non of it serving any positive purpose.

The only purpose I can see is the removal of focus from our own lives and onto that of others. Not only are failures and accolades catalogued, but the mundane too. Is the need for escapism so great?

We all have energy and with it the ability to direct that energy toward positivity for ourselves and others around us or for negativity. Putting the focus on others in a negative way can give us the temporary empowerment to feel better about ourselves even for just a moment, but because we are not focusing our energy on helping ourselves and by proxy, others - any fixes we have are short lived containing very little substance or solace.

Think about it, how has Jordan breaking up with Peter helped you in any way? How has Lindsay Lohans continual battle with drugs and alcohol helped you? It's all focus on the demise and downfall of others which makes us feel better about our own misgivings.

It is a rarity to be encouraged to develop the self and to gain true enlightenment and evolution and I am forced to ask why.

As a species, we are capable of so much and our individual potential tends never to be reached because of this. It is easy to follow what is known as the norm even in light of the fact that it is in no way normal. Comparison to others can only provide finite satisfaction whereas in retrospect, comparison to a former version of ourselves and seeing our progressions in that way can be far more fulfilling.

Our words as well as actions have the ability to condemn or commend, to turn a frown upside down or to help someone into a well of depression. None of us have this crazy world figured out even those of us that feel we have but the realization of this combined with a slightly different view on things could help in making this world a slightly better place for all of us.

Peace and Love.

[Posted from my iPod touch]

Family Guy - Bag of Weed song

Laughed my ass off!! Best Episode Ever...

Thoughts on Religion

I was raised as a Christian as was everyone in my family. For years as a child I'd go to church with my grandmother and cousins every Sunday. there would be the main sermon followed by Sunday school. We'd get taught about the different facets of the bible, told the various stories and their morals and when I was younger I took a major interest in it. I remember having conversations with a guy called Pastor Bill Hopley who was an awesome guy. I'd have so many questions and he'd always be on hand to answer them for me, which to this day, more than 20 years on, I've always appreciated.

I was baptised at 11 years old and had taken religion into my life completely. Everything I was taught I took on board without question and believed it whole heartedly. However, years later, my life had progressed as had my thought processes and I realised that I had many questions. Does God actually exist? What if when you die - that's it. No pearly gates, no fire and brimstone and no (as George Carlin would say) "baking cookies, without an oven". Just everlasting nothing and a total cessation of consciousness.

For me, important questions with absolutely no one to answer them.

So, about 6 years ago I'm walking around Huddersfield and I see that one of the local churches is having an open "do" in the town centre. I stand and watch for a while and within no time at all I'm approached by a smartly dressed man who asks me "do you believe in God?". I reply by asking a question of my own. "If I don't believe in God, would that mean I'd be going to Hell?". "Yes". "Really?!?! So even if I live my life as a good person, I give to charity, help my fellow man and basically follow all of the tenants of the ten commandments but don't believe in God - I'm bound for hell?". "Yes. There is no way to get into heaven without first accepting the lord into your life..." The conversation soon ended and I couldn't help but think that what he was saying made no sense what so ever.

Firstly, who gave this person authority to make such a claim. Faith can be such a wonderful thing but it's nature dictates that it is in no way absolute. Saying you have a strong belief is fair enough - saying you know for sure is something totally different!

Secondly, how on earth does his statement make sense? What if I were Muslim or Sikh, or practiced Judaism? Would that mean that even though I lived my life according to good I would go to Hell because I was unlucky enough to be raised in the wrong religion? I asked a friend who I would class as very religious that same question quite recently and was told that God is a jealous God. What?!?! Jealousy requires ego and there are many on this earth who strive to rid themselves of ego. Therefore, are we meant to maintain and even cultivate the many aspects of ego? I just think that if I were an all powerful being - I'd be a great deal more like the Dalai Lama as opposed to say...George Bush.

So, moving on - I think that maybe we (or they - the writers of the bible) could have got it wrong. Not completely - but enough to mess things up a fair bit. I'm not going for the agnostic route by saying that god does not exist as I feel he does. Just not in the way that we see him. Maybe - he is not a "he" at all, or a "she". Maybe this being is so complex in it's make up that we are not yet evolved enough to comprehend it's existence. Therefore the only way to comprehend God, would be to imagine a better version of us (with a head of white hair no less).

The other possibility is that God exists, but not as described in the bible. Maybe the authors of this doctrine have written it in a way as to control people.

"Do what we say or burn in hell."
"Don't wanna give us 10% of everything you earn? hell it is for you fucker."
"Don't fancy coming to church? don't forget the oven mitts bitch!"
"Wanna worship someone else? wrong choice shit for brains! We'll tell you where you're going with a self righteous attitude and a smile on our faces."

History has shown us that fear is an effective method of controlling people. We've seen it as far back as recorded history all the way through to present day. Get rid of marijuana because it's used by "Blacks and Mexicans" who will rob your houses and by the way, if your daughter does happen to have any, she'll have Sambo hangin' out the back of her before the day is through.

N.B. I gotta say it - that last paragraph made me giggle as I was writing it.

OK another one, ID cards. "we need them to help prevent terrorism" ...What?!?! So will this ID card not only have biometric information but a few "extra's" too?

Name: Joe
Age: 26
Occupation: Terrorist since 1998

Does it mean that anyone of middle eastern decent will get stopped in the street and asked to present said card? That being the case does that mean there is no possibility of their being terrorists in any other ethnic group? How does that explain the 7/7 London bombings where one of the terrorists was a black man? And does that mean that anyone of African/Caribbean decent would be singled out too? Starting to sound a touch familiar? Rhymes with Mitler.

My point is that people were more open to these proposals because of fear. They were perfectly willing (in one of the aforementioned cases) to allow someone else to take the reigns and tell them what they should do.

OK, another question. If you do believe in God and Religion, how would you live your life if I could absolutely prove to you, that god did not exist? Would you still be a good person? (presuming that is how you live your life) and if not - couldn't your current life be classed as a form of lie? In essence, it would mean that the person being good is doing so out of fear or punishment rather than it due to the simple fact of...it's the righ thing to do. Does that even count?

Again - a great many questions so, where does that leave me? Well, my decision is this. I take from it what I feel makes sense and the rest, I leave alone. Sounds a bit flakey maybe, a "have your cake and eat it" type scenario. But I can not put any faith in something that makes no sense to me. I also think that having such a deep routed belief leaves your mind closed to new possibilities, experiences and level of understanding. Not to mention ensuring that your view will never change, while possibly closing an avenue into a world of opportunity and growth. Malcolm X once wrote something along the lines of - He remained open to new possibilities and based his actions on the facts of what was laid before him while being open to being subjective enough, as to alter his given action on the basis of new evidence. I like that idea.

I don't think that when we die it just turns into nothingness. I feel that we may move to a different plane of existence. Do I know this for sure? Of course not - but I'm glad I'm in a place where my decision to remain open gives me comfort. I feel there is something more than this and that gives me comfort. I just don't feel that whatever it is, is how most of us see it. I'll never know for sure, and I still have questions, but that, for me, is OK.

Peace and Love

Fair well Brother

So, started a new Job today working with my old boss. At around 5pm he ask's me "have you heard about Tim?". "No..." (My initial presumption was that something had happened in terms of a change of job etc). "He died about 3 weeks ago". Died! I still. Can't believe it.

Tim helped me a great deal during my first few months at Hammonds Direct, taught me a lot about .net and different ways of coding and basically took me under his wing. I always appreciated that, but what I appreciated more were his words of wisdom which I unfortunately at the time did not quite understand. Telling me things such as "you create your own reality" which I totally understand now. I wish I could tell him that his words, although at the time fell on deaf ears, mean so much more to me now. While I didn't see it at the time, I realised later how enlightened he actually was. Like most of us, he had his faults but like very few of us, he was always looking to make himself better and evolve as a human being. Not through fashion accessories or material objects (that in the great scheme of things do not matter) but through understanding the human condition and doing what he could to make things just a little better.

"Each day, the stories of life expand our intelligence. They stun us with originality and creativity. They call to us within our boundaries. They bridge each of our realities, one to another.

The dreams are free and so are we."
~Tim Smith, June 2010

I wish I could tell him the positive effect he had on my life and that it was an honour to call him my friend and while I'll miss him, I feel confident that he is in a far better place, free from ego and filled with love and positivity.

It's a shame that it takes the sudden passing of someone you respect to make you realise how each moment with anyone that you can call a friend is something precious. Every breath we take, every time we laugh, every connection we make is treated like water in a progressive country. We have it in abundance and need it often but due to its readiness we don't appreciate it as we should. If it was a rarity however, we would appreciate it a great deal more than we do.

I shall miss you brother and I thank you for the positivity you brought into my life.